From IF to when

"In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD."
In Hannah's words - "I am a woman who is deeply troubled... pouring out my soul to the LORD... out of my great anguish and grief." (1 Samuel 1:10-16)

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I remember marking this week on my phone last year, so as not to forget it. I felt like it was something special, almost like a holiday just for me,  something that would tie me to other people struggling with the same issues and make me feel united and not alone. I'm still observing this week, though my situation has changed. Though IF is over for now, I still feel like there's a part of me that will still always pay homage to it, something inside that wont let me forget, ever. I think that's important and healthy, after all, what kind of lesson would it have been if I had just moved on and forgotten about it all, and not let it change me in any way. I like the idea that it's changed me permanently (I hope for the better), that it's altered my heart and made this experience so, so, so meaningful. I can't tell you how many times I've read the story of St. Hannah. I loved her beautiful honesty and how she emptied out her pain and heartbreak to God. It was something I could completely identify with. St. Hannah never became bitter or angry though.

IF brought about a lot of ugly things in me. "A lot" is probably an understatement. Things I'm so glad are over for now. I don't know what Gods plan for me/us will be in the future, or whether or not we will have to revisit IF, but I do know that I've been through it, and learned and felt so much, and I can only pray that the next time around I would have the strength, grace, and peace, and even acceptance, to handle it in a totally different way. One that would be considered Christian.

This week I'm praying for those of you that are still waiting for your little miracles, for the hope of a family, and for your deepest desires to take shape...in whatever way that may be. For you to be delivered from your struggle and have HOPE, the most thankful heart in the world, and a peace that is so beautiful.

Read 1 Samuel 1 (1 Kings, LXX) for St. Hannah's story of prayer and weeping to receive a son. Here are the last two verses:
"For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him: Therefore also I have lent him to the LORD; as long as he liveth he shall be lent to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there.
Her banner reads "As long as he lives he is lent to the Lord." Another icon reads, "My heart hath rejoiced in the Lord, and my horn is exalted in my God."